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Cuisine

I have came to accept the fact that i am not ready to accept the fact that daddy is not here anymore.

Last month’s today, daddy had cardiac arrest and never woken up ever since. How time flies. Every time i think of daddy, the picture of daddy lying down on the sofa resting with 1 hand over the chin/mouth area (as though he was putting on a thinking cap) greets me. It felt as though i just saw him last week. The memory is so vivid… it’s just so hard to accept that daddy is gone…. forever. :“(

This morning, the sisters and i were chatting on What’sApp group chat and the topic of daddy came up. Without realizing, the tears welled up and before i knew it, we were all crying, again. It’s just so so painful. So painful. I really have no idea when i can finally let go. The gf says that’s not possible but there will be a day when eventually, tears will just stop rolling down. Instead, a smile will be in placed, reminiscing the wonderful memories daddy and i had together.

I had wanted to surprise daddy with this magazine feature when i planned to visit him last month. Little did i know that i was a tad too ambitious…

But i managed to share the news with him though. Not sure if he had heard me but i certainly had a good time chatting with daddy during the 1 hour when i was there alone in the ICU — the rest of the family members were stuck at Nirvana Memorial Park sorting out stuff. I told daddy about the feature, about my dreams, the boys, my worries… I also told him what a wonderful daddy he was. The best ever. I couldn’t have asked for more. That 1 hour.. was probably the best hour i had during my trip back. It was so peaceful, i felt so at ease, lying down next to daddy.. just the two of us, talking.

You know.. I really wish… we had a sign or something. To tell us that daddy was gonna go soon… so that we can do everything that we wanted to… Then, at least, i won’t have so so many regrets. :((((

Till today, i blame myself for not rushing back the few days before the incident happened, even though the heart had fiercely told me to. If i had then, probably none of this would have happened……..

Every time i think of the promise i made during our last phone call… i thought my heart would go into some severe cramps. French/Jap cuisine i didn’t manage to bring daddy to, but mutton briyani from the famous Jalan Gasing i did, to daddy’s wake. The same Indian food that we had talked about on our way back from the hospital during my June’s trip.

Anyway, like what i had told the darling sisters… i’m so gonna live it up from now on. Loving my dear ones generously and passionately, for we really don’t know what will happen tomorrow. We read about it so often on Facebook inspirational quotes but how many of us take that seriously? I, for one, didn’t. We always thought, there’ll still be plenty of time, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year… but from this experience of mine, i know that is no longer true.

The first thing i will do when i go to Kuala Lumpur next month is to snap a photo of mummy and i. I’m still gonna take her to the French/Japanese restaurant that i had promised daddy and her. I am so gonna spend all of my 24/7 hours with her, keep her company and just be there until she gets so bored of me and shoo me off. Meanwhile, i’ll just pour my love out to ones who are closer (read : arm’s width away) to me now, my in laws, my husband, my children and my dearest friends. :)

Do you have something that you’ve always wanted to do / say to your loved ones but haven’t done so? Why not today? Don’t wait.

Gula Melaka Huat Kueh or Fatt Koh

A -

200g bread flour
1 tbsp instant yeast
154ml water
(mix to proof for 2 hours)

B -

250g all purpose flour
3 tsp baking powder
200g gula melaka, or palm sugar
196ml coconut milk

Method

1. Mix A and B together to form batter.
2 Pour batter in cups and arrange in wok to steam for 15 minutes.

** can be frozen up to 1 month

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I wish i could turn back time.

I wish i had followed my heart and gone to KL 2 weeks ago instead of waiting for the Raya’s long weekend to come.

I wish i had taken a photograph with my daddy when i thought of it and not wait till i was better dressed or had make up on.

I wish i had told him “i loved you” when i last called him 2 weeks ago to tell him i’d bring him out for a good meal on the Raya week.

I wish i had given him a hug when i left in June.

I wish..

I wish..

I wish..

So many I wish… yet, i can’t do anything about it anymore. My heart is filled with regrets, sorrows and sadness. I’m still in denial. I can’t believe my daddy has left us but whenever i replayed the few last scenes in the ICU, i’d start tearing… because everything that had happened for the past 2 weeks was not a dream, a dream which i had sometime early this year which left me sobbing in the middle of the night.

He was 71.

He was my father.

He was also my friend.

I left home when i was 18 years old. I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my daddy. However, during my last trip back, my mum had dengue and was hospitalized. For once, i had to take care of daddy all by myself. We spent quite a bit of quality time together. Daddy was a very stubborn person, like me.. but i think i am much worse. On one of those first few days, we argued and i was extremely angry with him (because he refused to go for dialysis and i, refused to bring him to the clinic to check on his kidneys’ creatinine) but in the end, he still gave in to me and did what he was supposed to do. I had it easy as compared to my other sisters. Whatever his reason was, i was thankful because we were back to friendly terms again in less than 5 hours.

Daddy’s passing is very difficult for me. We had many good (and bad, but mostly good) memories together. He was the kind of father whom i can joke with. We teased, we laughed and he was always up for my pranks. To him, i was his kaixinguo. I am cheeky, mischievous and manja (yang or), and he knew (and loved) it. Daddy was also very generous with his compliments. Boy, he sure knew how to flatter this daughter of his. :)

One thing though, being a Chinese, a somewhat conservative Chinese, daddy had never told us he loved us. No hugs, no i love yous. But compliments yes.. and often, in a light-hearted, teasing form. The only hugs that i managed to give was during this trip of mine, when daddy was lying in ICU unconscious with intubation, looking like a total stranger, a malnourished stranger with just skin and bones. It was an extremely painful sight to take in. I couldn’t even manage a Hello Daddy before i broke down and sobbed uncontrollably but silently fearing he could hear me. At that point of time, i knew daddy was gone. At that point of time, i knew i had to do what i needed to do — fight for his right to leave us without anymore medical intervention or painful surgeries.

It was a tough time for me for i have 5 other siblings and a mother to persuade and convince. All of them had hoped for a miracle to happen. Initially, all of them had thought daddy would come around and be well again. Because my bff is a doctor, i knew much more than them. Of course, i also collected enough information from the nurse and doctor who were in charged of daddy before i came to the conclusion. For once, this very chinchai (easy going) sister of theirs who usually didn’t have much opinions of things fought hard. It was not easy. I had one of the siblings pointed the finger at me and asked, “Is he not your father? Do you want him dead?!?!”.

Even on the last day, they wanted daddy to go through tracheostomy, thinking it would put daddy in a better recovering position, but the doctors and i knew something else. We knew that had daddy gone for it, he would have left us on the operating table itself, with blood oozing out non stop. Daddy’s blood was too toxic. With the consent form signed, i guess the doctors had no choice but to operate if that was what the family wished despite the many signs of the death we/ i had observed especially on the night before. In the end, it was a question popped by me during the family and doctor meeting that saved daddy from tracheostomy which would have taken place a couple of hours later had i not asked. You have no idea how happy i was.. happy because i had managed to fight for daddy and let him go with dignity and painlessly, just as i had promised him as i laid next to daddy one night, but without being a nuisance to other siblings, because i knew that will not be what daddy wanted.

Now that daddy has gone, believe it or not, i’m in denial. Me… the daughter who was most ready to let go is in denial. Oh, the irony.

But what i do know is, daddy is in a better place now. He had suffered so much after his colon cancer surgery. So so much.. Had it not been for the cardiac arrest, god knows how long more he will need to suffer. :(

——————————-

To my beloved leng jai lou dao,

I love you, daddy..
Am missing you so much so that it hurts. Rest in peace, papa…

IMG_20130811_180012

Daddy. 07082013

He is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: open your eyes, smile love and go on.

—————————-

For the man who gave me all of his $300 when he had exactly $300, i will live well, for you… but not before my mourning ends.

Goodbye, daddy…

The sister (in law) is back for a month from the States before her next big move — PhD for the next 5 years! (-_-”)

I was joking with Darcy that we probably should send boy1 over to her since she’s gonna be studying, so at the same time, she can also encourage the boy to push himself to work harder and think out of the box. To be honest, the education system here doesn’t sit very well with me. I think the boys are not benefiting from it. They are .. well, a little different and i do hope they can pursue their passion and have an angel to guide them at the same time.

Darcy and i did talk about it for once and he was so so against the idea, like seriously. This time round, he didn’t oppose the idea as much as when i first planted the thought into him.  Now, the rest is up to the boys. If they are really keen about it and able to show us that they are dead serious, we will definitely give it a thought on another level. The idea is not impossible and i will probably be the first person to support it, with a heavy heart of course.

jigsaw_save_temp_1

Anyway, the sister is back and as usual, i was asked to pick a venue for lunch. After sifting through tons of recommendations, i settled on Hide Yamamoto. The food was decent and everyone was pretty pleased with my choice. The much raved about Ramen hit all the right spots but of course, if you were to ask me, “Will i pay $28 for it?” My answer is hell, no! :P

 

20130708_164101_1

#ootd

I love dressing up when i’m in the mood. I even like snapping pictures of it, for memories’ sake. It’s a pity that the camera doesn’t adore me as much as i adore it.. so most of the time, i’m behind the camera. Anyway, i’m more comfortable that way too. :)

I bought this cheerful dress a couple of years ago but i’ve only worn it once. Lol! I know right.. but at least, i’ve not forgotten about it. It’s just that i have no suitable events/lunches to wear it to…

While some friends and family find the dress cute, the sister thought i looked pregnant in it. Her first reaction was, “Why are you wearing pregnant dress?!?” but but.. i really like it. I’ve this odd penchant for baby dolls and flare dresses. So yeah, her comment doesn’t bother me at all. I’m still gonna wear it again and again and again.. Muaaahahahaha! :P

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