I have came to accept the fact that i am not ready to accept the fact that daddy is not here anymore.
Last month’s today, daddy had cardiac arrest and never woken up ever since. How time flies. Every time i think of daddy, the picture of daddy lying down on the sofa resting with 1 hand over the chin/mouth area (as though he was putting on a thinking cap) greets me. It felt as though i just saw him last week. The memory is so vivid… it’s just so hard to accept that daddy is gone…. forever. :“(
This morning, the sisters and i were chatting on What’sApp group chat and the topic of daddy came up. Without realizing, the tears welled up and before i knew it, we were all crying, again. It’s just so so painful. So painful. I really have no idea when i can finally let go. The gf says that’s not possible but there will be a day when eventually, tears will just stop rolling down. Instead, a smile will be in placed, reminiscing the wonderful memories daddy and i had together.
I had wanted to surprise daddy with this magazine feature when i planned to visit him last month. Little did i know that i was a tad too ambitious…
But i managed to share the news with him though. Not sure if he had heard me but i certainly had a good time chatting with daddy during the 1 hour when i was there alone in the ICU — the rest of the family members were stuck at Nirvana Memorial Park sorting out stuff. I told daddy about the feature, about my dreams, the boys, my worries… I also told him what a wonderful daddy he was. The best ever. I couldn’t have asked for more. That 1 hour.. was probably the best hour i had during my trip back. It was so peaceful, i felt so at ease, lying down next to daddy.. just the two of us, talking.
You know.. I really wish… we had a sign or something. To tell us that daddy was gonna go soon… so that we can do everything that we wanted to… Then, at least, i won’t have so so many regrets. :((((
Till today, i blame myself for not rushing back the few days before the incident happened, even though the heart had fiercely told me to. If i had then, probably none of this would have happened……..
Every time i think of the promise i made during our last phone call… i thought my heart would go into some severe cramps. French/Jap cuisine i didn’t manage to bring daddy to, but mutton briyani from the famous Jalan Gasing i did, to daddy’s wake. The same Indian food that we had talked about on our way back from the hospital during my June’s trip.
Anyway, like what i had told the darling sisters… i’m so gonna live it up from now on. Loving my dear ones generously and passionately, for we really don’t know what will happen tomorrow. We read about it so often on Facebook inspirational quotes but how many of us take that seriously? I, for one, didn’t. We always thought, there’ll still be plenty of time, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year… but from this experience of mine, i know that is no longer true.
The first thing i will do when i go to Kuala Lumpur next month is to snap a photo of mummy and i. I’m still gonna take her to the French/Japanese restaurant that i had promised daddy and her. I am so gonna spend all of my 24/7 hours with her, keep her company and just be there until she gets so bored of me and shoo me off. Meanwhile, i’ll just pour my love out to ones who are closer (read : arm’s width away) to me now, my in laws, my husband, my children and my dearest friends. :)
Do you have something that you’ve always wanted to do / say to your loved ones but haven’t done so? Why not today? Don’t wait.
Gula Melaka Huat Kueh or Fatt Koh
200g bread flour
1 tbsp instant yeast
(mix to proof for 2 hours)
250g all purpose flour
3 tsp baking powder
200g gula melaka, or palm sugar
196ml coconut milk
1. Mix A and B together to form batter.
2 Pour batter in cups and arrange in wok to steam for 15 minutes.
** can be frozen up to 1 month